Learning Who I Am

I started a conversation with Jesus the other day with, "Master, I've been wondering about me"

He smiled and nodded waiting for me to continue.

"Well, I've been wondering why I'm still... still... why I'm still just me." I knew the words didn't communicate my heart right and was hoping he would hear what I meant to say.

He smiled and asked, "Are you going to ask why you couldn't be a professional basketball player again?"

"No, Lord, it's different this time. It just seems that I know who I should be, I know who I am, and I'm embarrassed at how different the two are." I got closer to the issue that time.

Jesus leaned back in his chair, never losing eye contact with me, "David, who are you?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, wondering what he was expecting me to say.

"You said you know what you should be and you know what you are. I'm just curious, what is it that you know about yourself? In your eyes who are you?"

I thought for a moment, not expecting a quiz, "I'm tired?" I said hoping that would be enough of an answer. I saw the look on his face and knew that it wasn't.

"Tired is how you feel, not who you are. You said, 'I know who I am'. So, I'm asking you, what do you know about who you are?"

Before I could fully think the words through they came out, "I'm a disappointment. I'm a repeat offender. I am less than what you want, and less than others expect me to be. I'm the sum total of every mistake I've made. I am held captive by my thought life. I am a wanderer, sometimes near you and sometimes far away. I am a fraud. I am not as good as..."

"That's enough!" Jesus rarely interrupts me, but he did this time. He stood to his feet, his countenance went from that of a loving Shepherd to that of an angry King. "You apparently have no idea who you are. We've talked about this before and yet you to continue to find comfort in what isn't true. You go back to lies as if they are a favorite vacation spot. David, who are you?"

I hadn't see Jesus this frustrated in a long time. I pictured him turning over the money changers tables in the temple and wondered if the coffee table behind him was safe. "I'm, I'm, I'm... now I'm nervous."

I expected him to grin at my attempt at humor, but he didn't. "No, that's still what you feel, that's not who you are. Who are you?"

Do you know how sometimes a forgotten conversation instantly comes rushing into the forefront of your mind? That's what happened as I looked at the stern face of Jesus standing in front of me. I could almost hear the noise of lies retreating and notes of grace taking their place.

Jesus saw the sound of truth growing in my spirit and said it again with a grin coming back to his face, "David, who are you?"

"I... I... I am a child of our Father. I am one that he loved enough to be invited into His story. I am the home of the Spirit and a member of the Kingdom." Jesus started to smile as he sat next to me while I continued.

"I know who and what I am, I am loved even though I'm flawed, and valued enough that you're willing to work with me on those flaws. I am the one you are building a home for. I am a mighty warrior and a gentle spirit. I am trusted with the truth. I am separated from my past by your grace and being prepared for my future by your power." Not only was Jesus not angry, he was starting to laugh as each statement grew in my spirit.

"Keep going," he said, "I love it when you remember what is real."

"I am a servant of the Creator. I am a channel of our Father's love to the wounded. I am a member of the body of Christ. In you I am stronger than what tempts me. I know who I am, I am more than what my culture is, I am...." I don't know how long I continued, but Jesus and I laughed together as the truth grew again in my soul.

When I stopped Jesus leaned forward and said, "You've forgotten a very important one," he paused as I listened for who Jesus would say that I am, "You are my friend. And David, it really bugs me when people tell lies about my friends."

His expression got stern again, "Stop talking about yourself as if I'm not listening. It doesn't reflect well on our relationship when you ignore our friendship."

Now I could almost hear my soul healing as the words of Christ gave me value that no other words could.

He continued, "I want to put my power in your thoughts and words, but I can't if your thoughts and words tear you apart. David, stop talking about my friend David like that."

Sometimes the "stuff" of life causes me to forget who I am. I'm David. Jesus is both my King and my friend. That's who I am. By the way, he told me he wanted to have that conversation with you too.

ddk