The Big "D"

I've been working on a Doctor of Ministry degree from George Fox University. The light is at the end of the tunnel and the end is getting closer, but there is a dissertation that is standing in the way. This summer the "big D" and I will square off.

It stands 50,000 words tall, has eyes that see through me and a voice that both beckons and mocks me at the same time. I have played with it and been bullied by it for 2 years now. Sometimes it reveals itself to me and invites me to spend time with it and at other times it is almost invisible, hiding, refusing.

I've learned something about it (or "us" because we are related). It has shown a light on parts of my spirit that I try and avoid. I can see hints of insecurity as I wonder if it will be ignored. Maybe no one will ever see the problem it addresses and the how personal its impact is. Maybe the world of academia will yawn because it's not intelligent enough. Maybe it will get me in trouble with some people I respect because they disagree with it (and I know some will).

So the big "D" stands between me and the light at the end of the tunnel. It is my passion that I long to dance with, my enemy that I would rather hide from, and a treasure I am hunting for. The dancing, hiding, and hunting will take place this summer. For the months of June through September my hands will be on the keyboard, my nose in books, my eyes on the distant light, my voice asking for grace and anointing, and my soul will be held by its Creator. 

In faith I will be closer to the light at the end of the tunnel by September and the big "D" will stand in my shadow. Friday Thought readers, see ya in September... maybe. (If you don't hear from me please send a search party to the tunnel of books!)

Dave

Piles

Dear Jesus,

I guess you're aware of the fact that this week more got added to the pile of things I don't understand.

Sometimes that pile stinks. No matter how far I get away from it, I can still smell it. I've tried to hold my breath, but I can't hold it that long. Jesus, have you ever smelled rotten eggs - yah, it's kind of like that. Once I tried to pour coffee on it (I love the smell of coffee), but it didn't help.

The pile of things I don't understand is loud at times too. I didn't think it would make that much noise, but it's a pretty loud choir. Each item on the pile calls me to pick it up and hug it. They want me to value them. Sometimes I do, but they still make noise. Noise canceling headphones don't work on piles that live in your spirit. It would be nice to hear quiet.   

I'll confess that I've even tripped over the pile. I know you told me to not walk that close to it, but it's getting so big it's hard to walk around. The other day when I went to put something new on the pile of things I don't understand I stumbled and fell right in the middle of it. I sat there up to my neck in questions. I forgot how sticky they are. I eventually crawled out but it took a really big distraction.

So, last time you wrote me you said that there would be things I don't understand and you're not going to give me all the answers. I'm coming to grips with that (but I still think it would be easier to just explain everything to me). You said that I need to find a different pile to spend my time around... one that I didn't build.

I've been looking around in my spirit and I may have found what you were talking about. Did you build a pile of grace in my spirit? 

It smells amazing. It's a fragrance that must have been very expensive. How much did it cost you? Some how breathing it in sets me free. I thought I would have to have answers to be free. Grace let's me have a question without it keeping me in shackles.

And the sounds of the pile of grace in my spirit, I didn't know grace made a noise until I got really close and heard the rhythm of the beat. Is that your heart beat? Sometimes I can even hear lyrics. I heard, "There... is... hope...." the other day. "Let... me... give... you... power..." That was a cool song. My favorite is the beat that says, "I... love... you..." The pile of grace sings much better than the pile of things I don't understand.  Hey, Jesus, could we turn the volume up a little more?

I've never tripped over the pile of grace. Somehow it makes my steps more sure and steady. It's an interesting texture to walk on. The pile seems to almost point my steps. I went swimming in the pile of grace and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't reach the bottom. How deep is grace anyway?

Well, I've got to get back to work. I know I've been spending a lot of time at the pile that I've built and not the one you built. I thought I'd write and tell you, I'm done hanging out at the pile of things I don't understand. Is it ok If I spend a lot more time at pile you made. Since I can't swim to the bottom, tomorrow I'm going to try to climb to the top. How high is your grace?

Friend & Follower,

Dave

Easter Is More...

The bad thing about Easter is that it's on the calendar. I don't want to criticize 2000 years of church history, but I wonder if we've made a mistake. Easter becomes a day in the year that I can look forward to and a day in the year that becomes a quickly fading memory. I wonder, are we are supposed to memorialize the resurrection or materialize the resurrection?Don't get me wrong, I love Easter Sunday! I'm just concerned that by having it be an annual day on the calendar I overlook the full impact that day has on my life. Somehow it's more than a day to remember - it's a day to live. It's a day that changes everything. The day of Easter represents transformational power that is available each day of the year. Maybe we lose the point when Easter is a church service that I dress up for and come home from. When Paul wrote his first letter to the Corinthian church in the 15th chapter he included a theology of Easter that we overlook. The resurrection of Christ is more than a day in history, it is a day in my future. I will do that too one day! Jesus and I have that in common!The empty tomb should be more than a day that I celebrated, it's a reality that I live. As a pastor, I love that there is a day that is the highest church attendance day of the year to applaud the power of Christ. I love that we know it's not about a chocolate bunny or a decorated egg. I just wonder if we really celebrate well the power of Christ when it's a day that I look forward to and back on and not a transforming truth that impacts my eternity... daily.Maybe I can learn how to have it be both.Thinking about Easter,Pastor Dave

Good Friday

Jesus, and I went for walk on Good Friday. It was an amazing walk. Usually I have some question or issues that I need his input on, but this walk was quiet. We both knew what today was about.

At one point I wanted to ask him why he asked God to forgive those who crucified him. I could have thought of something far more appropriate than, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” But when I looked at him I realized that words would get in the way. So we walked.

I almost asked what happened to him when he was in the tomb. Theologians debate about that all the time. I could get the answer right from his mouth and do the talk show circuit correcting all those who live on taking the mystery out of the mysterious. But, yesterday didn’t seem to be a good topic for words.

So we walked. Slowly my questions that almost made it past my lips started to fade and I became aware of His presence. I didn’t need to know. I didn’t need to ask. I didn’t even need to listen. Just walk.

I sometimes forget about the power of walking with the Master. Often I am too hungry for insight to experience nearness and too eager to have answers to drink in what is living. Just walk.

I realized the One walking with me knows about my failures - and still walks with me. I thought about the fact that the One next to me that knows my thoughts - still loves me. I celebrated the One who journeys with (and in) me knows my soul is not flawless - and yet he receives it without hesitation.  

His smile reminded me that he enjoys being with me too. There was no point in asking why he does. I’ve tried. It’s a circular argument. He loves me because he loves me. Today I just walked in that.

The fire in his eyes provided cleansing when they meet with mine. One time, when we glanced toward each other, I realized that not only does he look deep into my life, he allows me to do the same when I look at him. It’s like looking at the sun, you can’t do it for long, but when you look away the brightness remains and impacts everything else you see. I like that about him. 

Sometimes words mess up presence.

Today, I’m doing more than remembering the cross. I’m walking with the One that went there. I'm not done yet.

Quietly Walking,

Dave

Will you meet me at the Gate?

Jesus, I have to be honest. I don't know if I would have rode into town that day. I mean, the "Hosanna!" and palm branches would have been cool and everything, but if I knew what was coming.... 

You could have taken the road from Bethany that headed south to Bethlehem (we all like visiting our birth place). But you rode west to Jerusalem (we all would rather avoid our death place). It would have taken longer to go to Bethlehem, but it wouldn't have been as dangerous.

You could have rode a little to the north and the east and visited Jericho. The history of walls falling as God's people claimed what he had given them would have been encouraging and not as costly.

You could have gone straight north and made the big trip back to the Sea of Galilee. It's a great vacation spot! It's the area of miracles - walking on the water! But you rode the shortest and most costly distance. You rode to your own funeral.

I'm wondering, what did you think about during that 2 mile journey? Were you excited about going home? Did you even bother packing, because you knew it would be a one way trip? Did you know that one day you'd ask me to give my life too?

I guess I need to learn how to lay my life down don't I? I'd rather take longer trips that are filled with personal nostalgia, or memories of great victories, or places that remind me of how you worked in my life. I'd rather not take the short trip to giving all of my life to you. 

You set the example for me and took the trip that cost you everything because of your love for the Father. 

So here I sit on my in my driveway at Bethany looking to the north, over my shoulder to the east and down to the south, wondering if there is a way to follow you without making the short trip west. The ironic thing is, I know the joy of the party is on the other side of the cross. It's just, it would be so nice to visit Galilee this time of year.

But, I'm following you to Jerusalem. Will you meet me at the gate?

Letters

Dear Jesus,

It's almost Easter again. Do you think that this one could be different? I've gone through a lot of them. I wonder what it takes to make this one different somehow. I'm not bored, really I'm not. I love the season of death turning into life, it's very important and I know that… I'm just kind of hungry for more than a day on the calendar.

Love, Dave 

Dear Dave,

I would love for this Easter to be different for you! This day is about so much more than a holiday on the calendar. Yes, lets have this one be different. What did you have in mind?

Love, Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Well, I was thinking maybe you could do something really cool, something that is CNN kind of stuff. The kind of thing that would go viral in a day. Maybe… what if this Easter you showed up and everyone in the whole city was healed. I'm talking hospital emptying miracle! How do you feel about fireworks without the fireworks? Think about it- what if there were spontaneous explosions in the sky filled with color, not because some guy lit a fuse, but just by your power.  Oh! You could make the explosion have a message like, "I Am Alive!"

Love, Dave

Dear Dave,

No.

Love, Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Please Jesus, there's something in me that really wants this season to be different. I really want you to show up and do something that will get everyone's attention.  Think of the good it would do. What if you parted Lake Michigan and your followers could cross to Wisconsin? You could do so much more with this day!

Love, Dave

Dear Dave,

Rather than me making the season different with a gimmick, how about if you made the season different with surrender? Consider this - I've already made the day, it doesn't need to be added to, it just needs people willing to let it be real in their lives, the day needs you to let my power do a miracle in and through you. I don't need CNN, I've got you.

Love, Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Oh. 

Love, Dave 

Dear Dave,

This Easter could be so much more. Let my story change your life. Let truth set you free. Let my victory give you hope. Let passion for me spill into the world around you. Let yourself be changed. Yes, this Easter could be different, but it's not about me doing something different - it's about you letting me be who I have always been… in you. 

Love, Jesus

Dear Paul,

I want you to know I love your letters to the churches, I've really gotten a lot out of them. I'm working on making this Easter different and I wondered if you could help me with something. How would you feel about doing an interview with CNN? I really want this Easter to be special. Can you part water?  Would you…

Friday Thoughts

It's not healthy for two people in a relationship to always disagree. Sometimes Jesus and I are like two crabby old married people (one more crabby than the other).

One day at dinner he said to me, "The church is my bride and she's beautiful."

I replied, "Have you looked at her lately? How can you call her beautiful? When she's not yawning she's pouting. She certainly has not taken care of herself. She can't be a very good date, she cares more about what others think of her than what you think of her. The only time she even talks to you is when she needs you to fix something.

When the appetizer came he told me he gets giddy thinking about the future.

My mouth dropped open, "Are you kidding me? Have you seen the news? Don't you know that we might be on the edge of world war. They tell us that famine and devastation are just around the corner. Everyone is arguing about who's fault the mess is, and when they stop yelling about that they argue about how to fix it. Poverty. Immorality. Greed. Selfishness. I'm sorry Jesus, we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one, the future is mostly cloudy at best."

Just after they brought our meals he told me he was proud of me.

Then the crabby one spoke again, "What! How can you say that? I know you love me, you have to, God said so, but 'proud of me'?! Well that's just plain silly. Too often my faith is really weak. I don't know if you know this but sometimes I have a bad attitude. The photo album of my failures weighs more than I do (I do have a 3 x 5 in my wallet of that one time that I didn't mess up). I constantly forget where you are. I can't seem to change no matter how hard I try. I get depressed because I'm depressed. I get prideful when someone complements me. I seem to be addicted to relearning what I thought I knew."

I spent the rest of the meal laying out, with painful accuracy and airtight logic, how messed up I am. When I stopped to shove food in my mouth I remembered another string of reasons as to why I couldn't believe what Jesus said.

He listened... I think.

I expected him to respond with, "You're right. The bride is a failure, the future is filled with doom and you're a complete waste of atoms."

He didn't.

He grinned and whispered. "When I see my bride I see the one that I passionately long for. When I see the future I see the fingerprints of the Father and nothing but light. When I see you I see…" He stopped for a moment, looked around to be sure no one was listening, slid his plate to the side and put his arms on the table so he could lean way in, "When I see you I see… me. You can argue with me all you want, but you can't change what I see. Perhaps it would be better for you to learn to see things the way I do." 

I was going to argue with him, but I couldn't find my voice.

The server brought the check. I didn't look up, Jesus looked in her eyes and saw what I didn't have the time to see. I grabbed some money out of my pocket to pay for my half. He reminded me that he always picks up the check, my job was to quit arguing with him and enjoy the meal.

I wish I could understand what he meant.

The Freedom Chat

One day Jesus and I talked about freedom.

"Jesus, why is it that I can't get free of that one thing that I keep giving to you?" (I said that as if there were only one, we both knew that wasn't the case.)

He paused to read my face and my heart (he's good at that), "There are two reasons," he said calmly.

I waited for him to tell me so I could make a note on my spirit of both of them and run home and be set free. I kept waiting. He nodded to me signaling he wanted me learn to read his face and heart too. So I tried (I'm not so good at that).

"I think the first reason is that I'm not passionate enough yet. Freedom happens as a result of passion and effort." My first attempt earned me no response. Quiet.

I continued, "The second reason is because I'm too weak. Freedom comes to the army that will enter the fight, the warrior that can handle a sword, or the strategist who can outthink his captor."

I continued, "I can see it now, I'm not fully free because I lack passion and strength. You're right, I haven't really tried hard enough." I finished my sermon to myself and was a little proud that I was learning to read the face and heart of Jesus.

He turned toward me on the park bench and leaned in really close and softly said, "I don't know if it would be possible for you to be more wrong."

Ya, did not expect that.

He continued, "Don't you remember me saying, 'The truth will set you free?'"

I thought it was a test, "Yes, I do. And the truth is I'm not passionate enough and I'm too weak to be free. Right?"

He shook his head. "The truth isn't someTHING - the truth is SomeONE. Freedom isn't what you do in front of me, it's what I do in you. David, the problem isn't that you are too lethargic or weak, the problem is that you use both of those things as an excuse to remain in bondage."

This conversation hadn't gone the direction I had planned in my head. "I guess I have a way to go in reading your face and heart, don't I?"

Jesus smiled and nodded. "David, you want to be free to feel free, I want you to be free because I am, and I dwell in you. I am the truth that sets you free, not your passion or strength. Your issue is one of filling and following, that's both the source and direction of passion and strength - Me."

He stood up, "No, you're not passionate or strong enough. That's because you can't be either of those in yourself, I made you that way. But, that's not why you're not free. You're not free because you haven't understood that I... am and I live in you."

We headed back to the trail to continue our walk. I knew this conversation wasn't over. I also knew freedom was closer than I thought.

A Balanced Diet

I'm reading a book by D. Brent Laytham titled, iPod, You Tube, Wii Play. Consider the following quote from it, "There is no such thing as a balanced diet of idolatry!"

I wonder, do you think too much of life is trying to call healthy what is toxic? How many times is the godly and the godless forced on to the same buffet so that I can build the perfect meal that would fulfill my desires and make me happy? Idolatry is excess in the most minuscule servings and yet we find ways to excuse (and even promote) it.

Idolatry has happened when something other than God sets my identity. I changed cars this week. It was a move to downsize - smaller car, better gas milage, lower insurance and payment... less cool stuff. I was surprised how much I enjoyed some of the options on the other car. I'd even be honest enough to say, I was surprise how much those options made feel better about myself. It wasn't a big deal, just a "balanced diet."

I still have a really nice car... just not as nice as the other one. But, I'm not less of a Christian because I don't have the other car... just less of a person. My eternity isn't impacted by having to pull a lever to adjust my seat rather than push a button... just my today. I'm not less happy because I don't have a sunroof... just less human.

While I reveal this human side of me I will share what I learned on a trip to a meeting this week in my new/used car. Jesus is more comfortable in a car that I don't use to define me.

Do you think that's true about everything? Ya, me too.


Feasting on Christ,

Dave

A Bad Swap

Have we replaced repentance with regret? Maybe the pronoun needs to be changed - have I replaced...?

Regret is natural. It's that feeling that attaches itself to me with superglue tenacity. There are times I forget about it for moments but as soon as I remember that I forgot about it, it reminds me that it never left.

Regret is free. It doesn't cost me anything and I need no special skills to become an expert at it. As soon as an action has taken place inside a hidden pocket is the small pill of regret. It's a BOGO! (buy one get one) I buy the action with my will and receive at no additional cost the hidden bonus of "I wish I hadn't..."

Regret has no shelf life. Have you noticed that it doesn't seem to get weaker with the passing of days on the calendar? Only the action that caused it fades. The "benefit" from that action or word has long since evaporated, but the little pill of regret is still causing that sour taste in my spirit.

Regret is powerless. Here's the ironic thing about regret, it's strong enough to mess with my future, but not strong enough to change my past. It's too weak to change what caused it. It makes me wish I hadn't, but not strong enough to keep me for doing/saying/eating/thinking that again.

Regret can go through a metamorphosis. When it's wrapped in the cocoon of God's grace it transforms into repentance.

Repentance is supernatural. It's based on the unconditional, radical love of God that is expressed in the person of Jesus Christ. It is a divine explosion that removes walls between God and I.

Repentance is expensive. True repentance will cost me the freedom of ignoring and hiding from what violated God. It will cost me my pride as I humbly come before God (and maybe others) and am open and fully honest with him.

Repentance can wear out. If I'm not careful the remorse and commitment to not be a repeat offender can become paper thin and rip apart when faced with a new temptation.

Repentance is beyond Herculean in it's strength. It is strong enough to propel me into the arms of God and change my behavior instantly. It changes my direction. Repentance calls on the power of the blood of Christ, regret calls on the power of the past. Repentance is when I confess, receive grace, am filled with power, and pointed in a direction that is godly.

Have I replaced repentance with regret? It's a bad swap.

Swapping Back,

ddk

What time does church start?

What time does church start? To me the answer to that question isn't as easy as listing the time that's listed on a schedule. Peak in through a few windows to see my heart on this.

Window one: A church service isn't a business where at a set time the doors open and transactions can be made, nor is it a concert where at the right time the "show" starts. A worship service is a like a meal where people gather - it starts when everything is ready and ends when people are full.

Window two: The time before the meal is not best spent sitting at the table waiting for it to be delivered, it's best spent in community with the saints. Every week the body gathers as a chance to let the Spirit build unity as fellowship happens. But, we often miss it by sitting and waiting for the "program" to begin. Look for someone to meet or someone to hug or someone to pray with/for while the meal is getting ready.

Window three: Coming late to church is missing what might be the best way to prepare for what God has for you in the meal. To hurry from the car seat to table seat without connecting and enjoying the appetizer of relationship is just as sad as being early and sitting in your spot waiting for dinner, ignoring the appetizer.

Window four: The clock is just as important at the beginning as it is at the end. Just like the work of the Spirit is crucial as the meal ends, it is crucial at the beginning. Sometimes we forget how important the prep time is and how God uses relationship to prepare us.

Come to the meal a little early. Gather in the living room (a.k.a. sanctuary). Greet someone. Let story be part of what God is able to use to make you ready of the power of what he longs to do during the morning meal. Don't miss the joy of how God could use you before the first song starts.

What time does church start? The moment you walk in the door and make eye contact with someone.

Making Tracks

Our road is not the first on the list for the city to plow (I think it is number 32,000). That's what happens when you live one a "lane." I am not complaining, I think the city does a great job clearing roads for us. But, by the time the plow gets to my road it's usually been driven over so much that the fresh snow has been morphed into ice pavement.

As I was going to the office after the last installment of water flakes I found out what a rebel I am.  Cars that had gone ahead of me had formed the beginning of a path through the snow. It was a path that I didn't want to drive in. I wanted to make my own. 

One reason was the path that was being made was too close to the center which would made facing traffic from the other direction some what of a game of vehicular chicken (a game that is frowned on by the other driver and the police department).

The other reason is I just like making my own path and looking in the rearview mirror and seeing my tracks applauding me for being a manly adventurer. I imagine the next driver picking my tracks because they are much cooler than the other ones.

Isn't Christianity a refusal to drive in the other tracks? When Christ taught the crowds in Matthew and said, "you have heard it said..." "...but I tell you..." wasn't he asking people to not drive in a track that didn't fit with kingdom of God living?    

Do I drive in the culture's track with how I spend my money? Am I following a dangerous path with my attitude about (fill in the blank). 

Have I let someone else impact my journey by staying in the trail they have blazed?

Following Christ will mandate that I ride on a part of the street that is less traveled by the rest of the world.  

Jesus and I are blazing a new trail today.  I invite you to do the same. 

ddk

Community

Sunday night I plan on gathering with a handful of friends at our home. During the night we will consume more food than we should, laugh, and watch "some football game."

Some gathered will really care a lot about the outcome of the game, others will care a little, and there will be those who won't have even the slightest care (which will be demonstrated by the fact they are in another room trying to hear each other talk over the noise).

In the middle of the noise, the food, the game, and the commercials something else, that can't be forced, will happen of more value than the $88,000 bonus the members of the winning team will receive. In the space of a few four quarters, a bazillion timeouts, 1000 holding calls, a half-time show, and table full of food with questionable nutritional value - community will happen. People will enjoy being with people.

I think Jesus likes that.

Community happens in a lot of different ways for a lot of different reasons, but when people share space and enjoy life together there is something godly about it.

Sometimes community is to help survive a trial, sometimes community is about speaking truth into a life, sometimes it's for correction or even loving rebuke... sometimes it's just for fun. And, yes, there is something godly about it.

Go Broncos!

Edgy...or Honest?

Sometimes I'd like to be one of the edgy people that posts strong opinions that cause all kinds of debate, but I really don't have any desire to share my views on Duck Dynasty, Justin Bieber, health care, taxes, or bacon scented candles. I have them, it's just that I don't feel that letting people know what they are benefits anybody. People can't see Christ in my opinion on climate change (although many attempt to velcro him to their opinions to make their passion sound like a spiritual issue that Christ would agree with).

I'm sometimes disappointed with blogs and posts that I read of people who claim the name of Christ and speak the words of Don Rickles (if you don't know him - he's rude). Too often we are addicted to being right and discounting those who disagree. Salvation isn't based on your position on Gitmo.

What concerns me is the motive of "being right."  There is an inherent arrogance in assuming that I have insight that others are too ignorant to grasp, and a blatant disregard of the call of Christ when I devalue someone who disagrees with me.

Please understand that I have views on the topics noted above and many more.  I have a political bent. I care about what is happening in the culture. I just am weary of one more thing bleeding into church from the culture - attitude.

Maybe I'm being edgy in my own way, but it's time for us to quit insulting people who disagree with us. It's time to be done stirring up conflict that never results in advancing the kingdom of God. Perhaps we should worry less about when sinners sin and be more concerned when we do. Maybe it would do us well to refrain from trying to prove others wrong, pick up a towel and basin, and follow the example of the One we are named after.

And it you don't agree with that you're nothing but a.... 

ddk

Learning Who I Am

I started a conversation with Jesus the other day with, "Master, I've been wondering about me"

He smiled and nodded waiting for me to continue.

"Well, I've been wondering why I'm still... still... why I'm still just me." I knew the words didn't communicate my heart right and was hoping he would hear what I meant to say.

He smiled and asked, "Are you going to ask why you couldn't be a professional basketball player again?"

"No, Lord, it's different this time. It just seems that I know who I should be, I know who I am, and I'm embarrassed at how different the two are." I got closer to the issue that time.

Jesus leaned back in his chair, never losing eye contact with me, "David, who are you?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, wondering what he was expecting me to say.

"You said you know what you should be and you know what you are. I'm just curious, what is it that you know about yourself? In your eyes who are you?"

I thought for a moment, not expecting a quiz, "I'm tired?" I said hoping that would be enough of an answer. I saw the look on his face and knew that it wasn't.

"Tired is how you feel, not who you are. You said, 'I know who I am'. So, I'm asking you, what do you know about who you are?"

Before I could fully think the words through they came out, "I'm a disappointment. I'm a repeat offender. I am less than what you want, and less than others expect me to be. I'm the sum total of every mistake I've made. I am held captive by my thought life. I am a wanderer, sometimes near you and sometimes far away. I am a fraud. I am not as good as..."

"That's enough!" Jesus rarely interrupts me, but he did this time. He stood to his feet, his countenance went from that of a loving Shepherd to that of an angry King. "You apparently have no idea who you are. We've talked about this before and yet you to continue to find comfort in what isn't true. You go back to lies as if they are a favorite vacation spot. David, who are you?"

I hadn't see Jesus this frustrated in a long time. I pictured him turning over the money changers tables in the temple and wondered if the coffee table behind him was safe. "I'm, I'm, I'm... now I'm nervous."

I expected him to grin at my attempt at humor, but he didn't. "No, that's still what you feel, that's not who you are. Who are you?"

Do you know how sometimes a forgotten conversation instantly comes rushing into the forefront of your mind? That's what happened as I looked at the stern face of Jesus standing in front of me. I could almost hear the noise of lies retreating and notes of grace taking their place.

Jesus saw the sound of truth growing in my spirit and said it again with a grin coming back to his face, "David, who are you?"

"I... I... I am a child of our Father. I am one that he loved enough to be invited into His story. I am the home of the Spirit and a member of the Kingdom." Jesus started to smile as he sat next to me while I continued.

"I know who and what I am, I am loved even though I'm flawed, and valued enough that you're willing to work with me on those flaws. I am the one you are building a home for. I am a mighty warrior and a gentle spirit. I am trusted with the truth. I am separated from my past by your grace and being prepared for my future by your power." Not only was Jesus not angry, he was starting to laugh as each statement grew in my spirit.

"Keep going," he said, "I love it when you remember what is real."

"I am a servant of the Creator. I am a channel of our Father's love to the wounded. I am a member of the body of Christ. In you I am stronger than what tempts me. I know who I am, I am more than what my culture is, I am...." I don't know how long I continued, but Jesus and I laughed together as the truth grew again in my soul.

When I stopped Jesus leaned forward and said, "You've forgotten a very important one," he paused as I listened for who Jesus would say that I am, "You are my friend. And David, it really bugs me when people tell lies about my friends."

His expression got stern again, "Stop talking about yourself as if I'm not listening. It doesn't reflect well on our relationship when you ignore our friendship."

Now I could almost hear my soul healing as the words of Christ gave me value that no other words could.

He continued, "I want to put my power in your thoughts and words, but I can't if your thoughts and words tear you apart. David, stop talking about my friend David like that."

Sometimes the "stuff" of life causes me to forget who I am. I'm David. Jesus is both my King and my friend. That's who I am. By the way, he told me he wanted to have that conversation with you too.

ddk

2014 Prayer

"God of the universe and Lover of my soul, I think the New Year needs to include a starting line of confession.

I confess before you my failures of the previous year to allow you to love someone through me. Too often I predetermine who I let you love through me. I have favorite people that I want to show your love to and others who I have deemed as not worthy of your love.

I confess my desire to mix your will with my plans. I long to know your will, but I don't want my plans to get lost in the journey. I am well aware of the fact my plans and your will sometimes don't mix, and sometimes I have chosen to act on the wrong one.

I confess my hunger to be liked. I want to be accepted and receive approval of people to the degree that I forget that none of the people I long to impress are capable of caring for my soul in this life or the next. Sometimes I fight for the favor of the weaker over the Stronger.

I confess to you a sharp tongue. I speak harsh words far too quickly missing the opportunity you offer of seasoning my words with your grace and wisdom. Critical words make me feel superior and purchase for me a sense of hidden arrogance that puffs up my value at the cost of someone else. I'm sorry.

I humbly confess a spirit of empty religion.  Sometimes I view you through the lens of things that I do for you. I keep hoops of my faith propped up with my flippant words and jump through them with my weak commitment without taking the time to notice a lack of power or fruit.

I confess with sorrow my bent to mix political opinions with the call of the gospel. I feel self-righteous when I point to the errors of those who disagree and angry when there is a hint that my rights are not being upheld. I have tried to make servanthood palatable, following you less strenuous, and cross carrying fit into my schedule.

I also confess my disappointment… sometimes even with you. There were times in this past year that I asked for your hand and did not see it.  There were times I asked for understanding and didn't receive it, and times that I sought intervention and you withheld it. To be honest, there were times through the year my faith was paper thin. The year included moments of real joy, but it also held many, many moments of disappointment. I have made my expectations an idol and it makes me mad when you don't worship them too.

I start this New Year with a new confession.

I confess my undying commitment and my unwavering love for you and all that you are.

I confess my continued need for your grace to face a new year of unknowns and trials that will pull me to compromise.

I confess my complete weakness to face a single fraction of a second without your hand on me, whether it is felt or not.

I confess my inability to accomplish anything of value without your power pulsating through my spirit.

I confess that I am yours.

Amen."

DDK